Yes, #MenAreTrash - and Women are largely to blame
Like so many in the world, I’d pretty much gone into hibernation as I dealt with stuff in my life over the past few months.
So it was with interest - but not surprise - that I read about the #MenAreTrash campaign on social media.
I wasn’t surprised, because truth be told, I have heard this sentiment repeated by basically every woman I’ve spoken to in the past few months. Men Are Trash.
In one way or another, women everywhere are starting to wake up to this fact - and we’re tired of it.
We’re tired of not being able to find a guy worth dating, of having to put up with constant BS, of having to settle, of having to look at ugly bodies and poorly maintained appearances, of bad sex and even worse communication, of lies and cheating and betrayal… and worst of all, of having to make ourselves smaller and stupider to fit inside the tiny models of the world that most men’s egos can comprehend.
Yes gents… women around the world are genuinely angry. It’s not in your head at all.
Especially women in South Africa, where rates of abuse against women are so high that they are comparable to what a country would experience during wartime. In fact, estimates are that as many as 40% of South African women have been, or will be, raped in their lifetime.
So there’s plenty of fodder on how atrociously men behave, but this article is not going to be about that. Those articles are still coming LOL.
This article is about an even deeper underlying cause that we need to address first ladies… this article is about how we, as women, are responsible for creating this race of weak-willed cowards, and for allowing it to continue everyday.
And here’s the thing, if we don’t fix our behavior first, then we give these so-called men no motivation or incentive to change their ways.
So what are the common behaviors and beliefs that women are guilty of that allow men to behave as badly as they do?
- Men are special and you have to catch a man
- It’s okay to lie to a man to trap him
- We are too available and make it too easy
- Casual sex
- Lifetime relationship…. or one night stand
- Settling and marrying for the wrong reasons
- Getting married because you’re a certain age or your biological clock is ticking
- Love, chemistry and attraction don’t matter
- Accepting and tolerating infidelity
1. Men are special and you have to catch a man
The basic inherent stereotype in society is that a woman wants to get married and have children.
Before you argue this, I invite you to consider just how difficult it still is for a woman to openly speak out about not wanting to get married or have kids.
From personal experience, the most common reaction is for people to tell you that you will change your mind, or just gloss over it altogether. It seems to be incomprehensible that you wouldn’t have a maternal instinct.
So society tells us that women desperately want a relationship and will chase any man to achieve it.
The stereotype is reinforced by movies, TV and romance novels, and makes men think they are really special. Especially a slightly decent looking guy, because those are honestly rare.
Nowadays though, the moment a guy starts speaking to you, it’s with the idea that you will chase him and you have to deserve his attention.
The moment someone thinks they are entitled to your attention, they are not going to believe that they have to do any work to deserve it, and they will think that they are doing you a favor by gifting you their time.
This is the same reason you never want to give professional advice to someone gratis… they don’t appreciate it, and often they abuse it.
If people don’t work for something, or need to put in effort, they tend to take the item or person for granted.
By treating men as special and worthy of chasing from the outset - and by perpetuating this myth that women will always chase - you are making men entitled to our attention, and stripping what we give so graciously of all its value.
The love you give is precious, and you are a Goddess. If you have to chase a man’s attention, then he is just not worth your time.
2. It’s okay to lie to a man to trap him
The levels of depravity that women go to with this are extreme.
In the worst cases, women buy fake positive pregnancy tests online in order to trap their boyfriend into marriage or swindle money out of him - supposedly for an abortion.
The fact that this is so commonplace is in itself horrifically scary. How on earth can you ever hope to build an honest and true relationship if you've based it on a lie?
Likewise getting pregnant on purpose - and I have known so many women who have done this.
When a man stays because you are pregnant, he is staying for the child, not you. And he’s staying out of obligation, not out of free will.
If you think it is horrible to lose someone you believe you love, try living next to someone you love who looks through you and never loves you completely in return.
If you really want love and companionship, then you have to be willing to let go of the placeholders that you are putting in love’s place.
Because not only do you deserve that real love, but the person you are with deserves it too.
The person you are settling for is somebody’s else fantasy - somebody else’s McDreamy.
The person you’re avoiding sex with is the person someone else is dreaming of, yearning for and longing for.
You could be someone else’s fantasy, and be lying in the arms of your fantasy... instead of living a half-life.
Love should be special and amazing and extraordinary - not a marriage of convenience where you live for the sake of children, lifestyle and money.
3. Women are too available and make it too easy
Maybe because I’ve bumped my head so many times, I have a ridiculous amount of patience when it comes to dating - a trait I’m really glad to say I seem to have passed onto my daughter.
The way we approach this, therefore, is always a massive contrast for me when I see how impatient women are in general.
I work with Twin Flames, and without fail, the first levels of lessons are all around patience and instant gratification. And they take a LONG time to sink in sadly.
As a general rule, logic flies out the window within 24 to 72 hours in most cases, and I watch the clients get stuck in that same cycle over and over and over again.
A typical example would be a promise from the Twin to back off from their Twin, completely, for a few weeks… and then within 24 to 72 hours I’ve heard how they had this conversation or the most amazing sex. And we’re back to square one. Cue another promise to give it space and 48 hours later we’re back to square one again.
And if you can somehow create enough space for the client to say, go on a coffee date with someone else, you’re likely to hear something like 'this new person has completely changed my focus and pulled me out of being in love with person A'.
It’s classic transference and projection of the emotion, and then the same cycle starts with the new person all over again.
You can hear the impatience in questions like 'when I can I make a decision', or ‘how long until I know?’
It’s all to do with instant gratification.
Physical closeness is the highest form of closeness we reach for on this plane, and sex and closeness, right now, always feels crucial. And it’s immediately gratifying. And we confuse the physical closeness with intimacy. And we want intimacy now - because it feels like we’ve been waiting forever already.
If we delay the gratification, it involves feeling doubt that this may not happen... and we can’t tolerate feeling doubt. So we grab while the getting’s good.
4. Casual Sex
Casual sex is both the best and worst thing Women’s Lib has done for us.
On one hand, causal sex gives you much-needed perspective and distance; without this distance you run the risk of believing you’re in love every time you have sex. This is a real problem because of the way our bodies react physiologically after sex.
After sex, we release chemicals that offer a drug-like reward, and promote bonding in the same way that our bodies let us bond with a baby.
So even completely casual sex can cause an emotional confusion because of a hormonal change in your system.
Just think back on how many girlfriends have said that they fell in love after a casual fling? And how many said they never knew what they saw in him when it ended a few months later?
5. Lifetime relationship…. or one night stand
Continuing on the theme of casual sex…. lifetime relationship or one night stand seem to be the only options available in the dating game right now.
We have no middle ground in dating, and even the term serial monogamist is treated with disdain.
For many women who don’t want to get married, and don’t want to raise young kids, the offers seem to be reduced to one night stands.
Surprisingly, on the lifetime relationship end of the scale, the sense of ownership and entitlement of access gets so extreme that people get annoyed just because you are talking to other people once you’ve started chatting with them.
Committing to someone monogamously from a first chat or first date is the equivalent of getting married straight away - you are making a commitment to someone you do not know.
Set yourself a minimum ten date limit before you even start thinking this might be the person. In fact set a minimum time limit - like three months - so that you can see what they are like to have as a companion day to day first. Three months before a sleepover even. I didn’t say sex because some things you should know upfront. Bad sex can’t really be fixed easily.
It seems long now - but in twenty years time, will three months still be long? A good relationship is worth building and waiting for.
And while one night stands have their place - limit them.
The only reason for doing this should be that guys have become entitled to one night stands, and the only way we’re going to change that orientation is by taking the offer off the table.
Sex can’t be special if you can get it anywhere, easily and at any time. You have to guard the cookie jar ladies! The collective cookie jar - not just your own.
6. Settling and marrying for the wrong reasons
I was so guilty of marrying for the wrong reasons... but when I finally admitted it, I asked for a divorce.
I was old by marrying standards (heading to 30, shock, horror), a single mom, had been living alone for a few years despite having had long term boyfriends, and I was feeling the pressure from society and those around me.
I mean what was wrong with me? Why wasn’t I married? Why didn’t I want to get married?
It really came to a head when I had a confidant suggest to me that I should maybe go back to a man who had emotionally and physically abused me and my daughter - because that was preferable to not being married. Yes that conversation really happened.
So I folded… and the next thing I knew I was being talked down the aisle by my best friend, into a marriage I really didn’t want.
I wasn’t ready when he proposed; the wedding date came way too quickly, and every element around my wedding was just horrible, from beginning to end.
The best thing about my wedding was the next day when it was over. That’s all I was looking forward to.
I never remembered my wedding anniversary - but I remember the divorce date.
I am not the only woman that felt like this on my wedding day.
Marriage is a sacred pact, and that person becomes a part of your life and family forever. This isn’t something you do if you are unsure.
There is very little as demoralizing as standing in court and saying 'there is nothing left that can be done to save my marriage'. It makes you feel all kinds of a failure.
7. Getting married because you’re a certain age or your biological clock is ticking
I never wanted children, and nine months after my daughter was born, I talked my doctor into sterilizing me. Best. Decision. Ever.
I have always been very clear about not being a maternal person, and I am vocal about it, because it helps other women who are in the same place and are uncomfortable to voice themselves for fear of judgment. And the judgment gets very extreme when you don’t want or like kids.
Clearly there must be something wrong with you at a core and primal level if you don’t love children.
So clearly, I have never understood this obsessive need people seem to have to breed.
I do however fully understand that sometimes you love someone so deeply that the only way you can seem to think of to express that love is to create a child together. I did feel that with someone - and I’m still grateful I didn’t have another child with him. Grateful daily in fact.
My own daughter is nearly 17, and I have done an unbelievable job parenting her - mostly completely alone.
But I am not going to lie and say that it was easy, or that I even enjoyed a minute of it. It was largely horrific for me until she reached spiritual maturity and I could finally start seeing the results of the hard work I’d put in over the preceding 13 years. I was chronically depressed during her childhood and consumed by guilt that I couldn’t generate these maternal feelings I was supposed to feel naturally.
Even at spiritual maturity, it still took effectively two years of huge trauma experiences in her life for her to mature into what I’d shaped in her… and I had to hold her hand every step of the way on those two years.
Parenting is a massive commitment - and a full-time job.
By the time you have space in your life to be a parent, your romantic relationship will no longer be able to be your primary area of focus.
Getting married to have a child is not getting married - it’s appointing a bank and sperm donor.
If you think of your husband as an accessory and a father, then you have no idea what it means to have a husband, or what it means to be a wife.
From a single mom’s point of view: yes it was financially tough, but I am so grateful that my daughter’s father stayed out of our lives until she was much older.
If you want to get married to have a child, then rather have a child on your own and find a stepdad down the line. If your sole purpose for getting married is to be a mom then you are doing this for the wrong reasons and guaranteeing a failed and unhappy marriage.
Being a mother and being a wife are two completely separate roles. Don’t confuse the two.
There is no such thing as a wife-and-mother. You are a wife to your husband and a mother to your children.
Husbands who need mothers should be sent home to finish their childhoods. The real-world word for making your child your partner is pedophilia - it doesn't matter whether the rape is mental, emotional, spiritual or psychical: it's a role the child isn't equipped to fill.
If you trap yourself into a loveless marriage, all you are doing is ensuring that this precious child you are raising is doomed to live the same painful life.
So yes you may be willing to accept it for you, but are you really willing to condemn your children to a life without love, because that is the only model they have ever seen or known?
And no it’s enough to fleetingly see other models around them - the primary model they adopt for their life is the model they take from you. Because that's the one they have the most exposure to and experience of. It’s the most ingrained into them.
The way your husband treats you?
That’s how your sons will treat their wives. How your daughter’s husband will treat her.
The way you think about and feel about your husband?
That’s what your daughter will feel and live through one day. That’s what your sons’ wives will be thinking about them.
The half-dead feeling you have in your life? That misery and unhappiness you’re settling for, for the sake of the children?
That is the mental and emotional life you will condemn your children to live.
Is your life and mental and emotional state right now really what you want your children to live in for the rest of their lives?
If you want your children to be truly happy as adults, then you have to be truly happy as a model for them.
Children become what they repeatedly see. Your child will become what you repeatedly say and do.
Do you really want your current marriage or relationship to be the best version of love your child ever experiences?
8. Being in love, chemistry and attraction don’t matter
A regularly-watched video on my YouTube channel is entitled: I am not physically attracted to my partner - can I save my marriage?
It will amaze you how often this subject comes up, and how often I hear this question.
One of the key issues in my marriage was exactly this - on both sides.
In fact, the first time my ex-husband cheated on me, my stepmother asked me a very important question: are you fulfilling your role as a wife? She went on to add: if a man is happy at home, he will not stray.
She was spot on - I was not attracted to my husband, and never had truly been. I got married for all the wrong reasons, and I even avoided sex on my wedding night.
In fact the sexual attraction lacked from both sides - but we were amazing companions and best friends. We lived together well and we were family.
Past a point though we both agreed that we could not live at 70%. Neither of us was prepared to settle for a half life.
Over the years I truly tried to find the spark with my husband. Vows are a big deal to me - especially vows in front of God. And even though I’ve divorced him, to the day I die he is my family and I am obligated to him. That’s how seriously I take my vows.
So yes - I really tried every single thing I could think of to light a spark in my marriage. And here’s what I learned…
If there is no chemistry or attraction to begin with, and you are not in love, then you can’t force that to happen.
If there was true chemistry and real connection and being in love, then there is a potential you can rekindle that.
The big variable here is energetic mirrors of course.
The reason that relationships naturally fall apart after 3 to 18 months is mirrors - basically you complete the lesson of understanding that attracted you to this person.
You often see this where the characteristic that a person was attracted to becomes the thing they hate most in their partner - that’s the easiest way to spot a mirror relationship.
Read more about mirrors in dating at http://lifecoachestoolbox.com/index.php/mr-right-vs-mr-right-now
True bonds extend beyond mirrors, and releasing the mirrors will bring the partners closer together instead of alienating them.
In these cases you have found the relationship where you will keep falling in love with each other repeatedly. The energetic bond you have supersedes the attraction of the mirror, and so you fall newly in love with each duality mirror energy that drops between you.
The natural course of relationships is that the people step out of our lives when the mirror has dropped. However our obsession with lifetime relationships has made this an unacceptable idea.
But seriously, how feasible it is to truly still be attracted to someone you met in your teens or 20s?
We evolve and change a lot - and we aren’t particularly mature in our 20s to begin with.
Yet we place unbelievable pressure on people to marry at this age - and then somehow they must keep that going until death, and be happy doing it. Good grief - I don’t even have clothing I bought ten years ago. It wouldn’t suit my style now.
It’s very unrealistic to think this kind of lifetime happiness can be achieved when marrying so young in the modern world, and the ever soaring divorce rate stands testament to that.
As someone married and now divorced, I can only say that you truly have no idea what you’re stepping into until you get married - and I don’t think you can truly get married the first time. I think the first time should just be a practice round so that you know what you’re doing when you commit a second time.
I’m personally very glad none of the men from my youth are still around - I definitely dodged a few bullets.
I’m no hurry to hand over my freedom just yet either - and I’m knocking on 40’s door.
And to tell the truth, I won’t even bother going for coffee now if I do not honestly feel a spark or chemistry.
I’ve lived the half-life - I’d rather be alone.
9. Accepting and tolerating infidelity
Another thing I have to do often is turn away sex coaching clients that are cheating on their partners, or planning to.
My first question to any sex coaching client is are you married and does your partner know what you are doing? Almost invariably the answer is yes I’m married and no my partner has no idea.
However this is also usually backed up with: I’ve tried speaking to my wife and she won’t even hear me. She will never be open to anything. She’s too conservative and won’t even entertain my needs or fantasies.
Similarly, the amount of guys actively cheating on dating websites - with and without their wife’s permission - is just astounding.
Often the permission isn’t explicit, but the wife allows it anyway, because not allowing it would mean there are financial and lifestyle repercussions. And change is uncomfortable.
And then there is the ‘with permission’ league… usually proudly emblazoned with 'my wife knows’.
Here’s a secret you don’t know guys - at least 90% of the wives that I’ve ever spoken to in this position have only said yes because they fear losing their marriage if they say no.
It’s a last resort and something they only tolerate. If they could say no safely, they would.
But wives - even if you are allowing this grudgingly, the reason you're allowing this is actually the most disgusting part of all: it makes your marriage work.
Just open your eyes and think about that statement for a minute…. your husband requires an entire additional romantic and emotional bond in order to be happy in your marriage - and that’s okay with you?
The role of the wife is to be the primary romantic and emotional connection in the husband’s life. But somebody else can do all the work of your relationship while you receive the financial and day to day rewards, like support, security, recognition and companionship? And she’s the bad guy?
And you think the problem lies in your husband?
When you enter into a monogamous commitment, the unspoken agreement on the table is that you WILL fulfill and meet your partner's sexual fantasies in exchange for assuring their commitment and fidelity. You get monogamy by offering to be enough sexually so that your partner doesn't have to look elsewhere.
Marriage is long-term paid prostitution - don't kid yourself.
It's an institution designed to protect and support the rights of men so that they can lay claim to the lineage of children. There's no other way to ensure a child belongs to a man, except for monogamy.
For women it's different - it doesn't matter who the father is, the child is always yours. Judaism in fact only recognizes you being of Jewish birth if your MOTHER is Jewish.
And from the single dating woman’s point of view… no I do not want to do all the hard graft so that you can have an easy marriage. That’s what you’re getting paid for.
And why are men so arrogant to think that a single woman should settle for an occasional visit and an absentee lover - so that your marriage can work?
Because we keep allowing it - that’s why.
For too long, too many marriages have been made possible by the permissiveness that covers the laziness and greed of spouses.
If your partner needs to cheat in order to sustain your marriage, then you have no business being married. End of story.
You clearly are not up for the job.
We are the architects of our own doom
Like so many women, I am living in the world of repercussions caused by accepting and tolerating this behavior from men. And the equally atrocious behavior from so many women!
Come on ladies…. what exactly are you trying to do here?
So many of you are screaming that your kids and men have no boundaries, no discipline, no control…. but neither do you.
It starts and ends with us ladies.
This might be a man’s world, but it’s only that because it runs on top of the world of women. That secret little world we hide away from men, where the real stuff of life gets done.
Whatever you are facing in your marriage is the result of the choices you have made and how you have handled stuff.
Stop making stupid decisions based on laziness, comfort, greed and instant gratification - and then we won’t have to constantly fight battles around these ego issues in the world.
Yes society and advertising and media have made us lazy and entitled and greedy - but that does not mean we need to perpetuate it in our lives and worlds.
It certainly does not mean that we have tolerate that kind of BS from men.
Stand up, stand proud and demand some RESPECT! And start by giving that respect to yourself.
As a collective group, we as women have the power to take over control and start fixing the problems in the world - and it starts with taking down the egos of men.
And guess what girls - we don’t need their permission. They only run the world because we allow them to. Clearly they’re not up to the job either.
It’s time now to take back control.
A challenge to every soul siSTAR!
This week I challenge you to find your strength, stand up and say NO MORE!
WE WILL NO LONGER ACCEPT THIS.
If you know of somebody who is cheating - out them.
If you are in your marriage for the wrong reasons - get out.
If you are in your marriage for financial and lifestyle comfort, then it’s time to start putting out for the job you’re getting paid for. Wife is just a pretty title for a permanent paid prostitute that is allowed to have children. The man provides comfort and financial security - you meet his sexual, intimate and emotional needs. It’s prostitution under the same surname, and with the label of acceptability of ‘family'. Accept what you signed up for and stop expecting other people to do your job and carry your load.
If you are involved with a married man, develop a sense of self worth and tell him to piss off. You are not only good enough to make another marriage work. You deserve a full-time love.
If you are trying to trap somebody into a relationship, then just stop and get some help from a professional. It’s just wrong - it’s the equivalent of relationship rape. Would you like to be raped?
If you have something to confess, confess it. And tell the whole unadulterated truth. If you could swallow your shame enough to commit the act, then you can confess to it too. Fear and shame are not excuses for speaking about something when you’ve clearly already overcome these emotions to commit the wrong.
Start by being the change you want to see in the world, by living the way you want people to treat you. With honesty and truth and respect.
Yes it’s chaotic and hurts at first - but when the dust settles and you start living from your truth, you’d be amazed at how easily happiness comes, how quickly the weight (as in pounds of body fat) drops off, how easily good things come and how truly free and complete you feel.
Change is never easy - but it’s always worth it.
Get up, stand up and let’s start making a difference. Get honest, get real and get on with living a life WORTH living.
You deserve so much more than this - and we all deserve a world to live in where our dreams are possible, and not every man is a fake and fraud because we allow it.
This is our time now - and I don’t know about you, but I am most certainly ready for the next step.
Love & light always